Ellemental

Are there any recruiters out there? Any hiring managers? Anyone looking for an employee? Let me introduce you to my coworker. Actually, I’m not sure WHICH coworker it is, but s/he is a steal, for sure!

So incredibly attached to his work, this employee won’t waste company time turning around in the bathroom to see if they have peed on the seat. Heck, sometimes they won’t even flush! Do you know how many TPS coversheets could be completed in the time it takes to flush the toilet? And replacing an empty toilet paper roll or paper towels? Forgetaboutit. This employee is already back in their office chair and working in the time it would take to get the paper off the roll.

And in the kitchen, this employee is looking out for your bottom line. When they fill their coffee cup, they won’t waste company resources by tossing the LAST FOUR DROPS in the pot and start a fresh pot. No no no. What if, for some unknown reason, the other 50 coffee drinkers in the office decided they didn’t want any more coffee after 8:30AM? A fresh pot would be WASTEFUL! They also save resources by only using half of a coffee creamer and leaving the other half on the counter for someone else to use. BRILLIANT!

Come on, employers. Surely you can see what I fine employee this is. I’ll even pay for his shipping and handling to his new job.

NO RETURNS!